It moves, I shall name it anaconda, no wait anapesterance.
I have a hard time explaining my current situation to myself.
Why am I here why do I not move and start a new life, a relationship, why would I choose to live with my ex husband who feels like an emotional train wreck. Financially sound while strengthening my relationship with my daughter. Why does my relationship with my 12 year old do so much better when I appease her father. Because when toxic people can no longer control you they control what others think of you. Why not run north west buy a little crappy place and spend the rest of my Forties walking in the sand crying for my daughter. Because Catie has already lost a sister she cannot be ok losing a mother.
I guess I knew those answers all along.
How long can a person survive ignoring the hierarchy of personal needs that I don’t know.
I’m arguing with my significant other at the time and when controlling crap comes flowing my way I have a tendency to be outspoken. I have to keep you safe, do what I want you to do, what if you get hurt. I don’t care if I get gang raped I say, I’m going to do what I want. You cannot tell me where to go or what to do.
This seriously sick sob decided that I…….. WANT to get gang raped.
Why the fuck? I’m fucking speechless…..
How can one person be so wrong about another he’s known for 20 years. How do you walk away from a conversation with me and take that with you.
I read his journal I shouldn’t have. Now I know what my daughter will find and read about me when he dies. Your a fucking weird disgusting rapist pig that gas lighted me so bad over the course of 20 years that I lost all emotional connection with our only living child. You turn completely around as long as I do what you want me to do smile, agree with you, allow your family to do whatever they want, maintain no separate life, allow me to maintain my separate life, don’t hold me responsible for what I say I will do, do not expect me to apologize, commit to me but I will not commit to you, be available for childcare, occasionally cover my grocery bill when I refuse to buy them.
I’m getting tired of his clever statements in front of catie asking to be back together and in private I can’t change this is all you get.
I’m silently panicked, I am visiting my aunt today and I hardly ever leave the house. I’ve taken to grocery delivery and dodging engagements with the few friends that are left. My car is in a perpetual state of repair with long periods of procrastination between shop visits to keep it dysfunctional. I know these are all symptoms of prolonged grief that is diagnosable as “complicated grief”. I’m riddled with ptsd, anxiety filled bubble with a sharp surface of calm almost zoned out. Airport, security, baby, 11 year old and…… well me, just me. I might have overreached with this commitment in an attempt to give my surviving tween a tiny gesture of summers she once had.
I want to think of the Universe as having a plan, but my life experience points to nothing but chaos. I’m constantly put into conflict of ideals. Faced with the ironic situation of caring for someone who is in the same place as I was with her father dying of cancer. Ironic because she was such a fucking mess that she wrecked havoc on me coming to the crescendo shortly after my daughter died of cancer when she posted that I cheated on my husband and did cocaine on my business page attached to my daughter’s school teachers and real estate offices all over town. Here I am wrestling with wanting to be a good person yet hating her at the same time. I loathe that I haven’t rid myself of the menace that she can be. But I can’t bring myself to behave like she did for retribution. Surely the universe has a hand in this but what the fuck do you hate me. Do I hate me? My karmic approach falls short form evidence I have paid and paid and paid. This episode of revenge that she took upon me last year broke me into a puddle of nothing. I’m intrinsically altered and have a dark bitterness in place of hope and light. I am barely crawling as the world is rushing by so I decide to use that meek energy to bring light compassion and ease the suffering of HER…….I’m fucking crazy there is no doubt
It is hard to continue to “do the right thing” rarely am I personally benefited by that decision. Yet I stand on that fuckig soap box spouting my bullshit as I swallow down the turd sandwich I am feeding myself. I hear you talk saying the same phrase and believing the bullshit coming from your mouth. My chaos theory of lfe is this…… what if we are both right in our diametrically opposed position of “rightness” Your right is, so is mine; your right is my wrong. even worse your right wrongs me, tries to destroy me. Now you are doing wrong but still “doing the right thing” In order to reconcile this accounting we impose god as an entity that finally decides once and for all, whose right and who is wrong. thereby finally paying a person back for eternity. And the others that did so wrong will then feel the wrongs they caused. i wonder if that is not done with in a second of death when we finally see our own actions and what they caused in whole form without the haze of confidence of rightness.
confidence of rightness is fucking gone. I cant eat the shit anymore, mine or yours.
I don’t want to be here anymore
I don’t want to go to that store
every time I walk past that door
I don’t wanna be here anymore
each day That i wake
In Every little way I break
They say you’re in the air I breathe
But that is not what I need
The look In your eyes that I adore
Arms that reach want more
each breath I take is one that I hate
Because I don’t want to be here anymore
Every day you die in my minds eye
I’m just trying to get off the floor
They say this won’t last forever
But that we’d be together
I always knew Id have to let you go
Into the future of your whatever
Left Waiting for Sleepless nights of adolescent fights
I was Brought to expect so many things
By this world of ever so sure beings
But I never expected you to die today
And Now I see that time slipped away
Even more rapid than any’d say
Left to crappy words on papers
Your body turned to vapors
The past worries of appearance
Pale to my new dance
Returning to a world of mistakes nightly
Future death frightening
Who else would it take
How much more could I break
When will my soul know peace
When will I be the deceased
I won’t last forever should’ve been the first thing you learn to say
Maybe I would’ve done it better chose to be with you night and day
How do you balance new life and the joy that is supposed to lie within while simultaneously being deeply encased in the darkness of the most profound grief known?
I hate that I really lost it. Hate that I let myself get so fucking angry that I destroyed almost everything. Hate that my depression gets in the way of taking care of Catie. Hate that I agonize over the decisions I’ve made. Hate that I feel guilt when I feel joy. Hate that losing Cassidy ruined me. Hate that I’m embarrassed to be 40 and have an infant with no father. Hate the daily all consuming grief. Hate the time I spent away from Catie that I can never get back. Hate that she is so comfortable being away from me but crumbles when she is away from dad. Hate that in order to Love me he needed all the control. In order to be accepted I must quiet my inner voice.